"Face Pincher": my Kids
in the Hall Sketch
I came up with this probably four years after the Kids in the Hall show ended, when their show was in syndication.
[Opening:
A messy studio apartment the size of a small hotel room, with clothes and empty
pizza boxes littered about.
As a voice mumbles from off screen, the camera pans from the front door/kitchen
area, across the bed, littered with clothes and trash; the view gets brighter,
and the voice stronger, as we move towards the window.
We see a thin, awkward, dark-haired man leaning out of the window, muttering “I
pinched your face” and various other taunts over and over again in a bad French
accent. He is wearing a snowcap and a heavy jacket, and as he mutters, he pinches
his fingers in front of his eyes. He is the Face Pincher (Kevin McDonald).
The camera switches to the point of view of the Face Pincher. He is on the 4th
or 5th floor of a downtown apartment complex, looking down upon a relatively busy
street. From his point of view, it is obvious that the Face Pincher is using perspective
to create the illusion that he has been pinching the faces of the passersby below,
as well as various other apartment residents across the street, as if he were
some giant in comparison. We see him from behind and from outside, giggling with
glee as he pinches face after face, making smarmy comments about each person as
he sees fit, all in that bad French accent.
A phone rings somewhere in the apartment. Surprised, the strange man stops what
he’s doing and begins ransacking his apartment looking for the phone, throwing
clothes and pizza boxes around. The phone rings and rings before he finally finds
it on his bed, under some jackets. He puts the receiver to his ear]
Face Pincher: “Allo?”
[a gruff voice answers]
Phone:
“Eh!”
Face Pincher:
“I say, Allo?”
Phone:
“Go to de window.”
Face Pincher:
“I say, allo, who is dees?”
Phone:
“Just go to de window.”
Face Pincher:
“Wha? You wan’ me to go to ze window?”
Phone: [Louder]
“Go to de window!”
Face Pincher: [completely clueless]
“Ho, okay..."
[He smiles boyishly, capers over to the window and looks around.]
Face Pincher:
“I’m at the window…. Where are y--“
[The Face Pincher stops as he looks straight across the street to the building
facing his. There, in the window, is Mark McKinney, dressed as the Head Crusher,
with a phone in one hand and the other stretched out before Face Pincher, pointed
at the camera. From perspective we can see that he is about to...]
Phone:
“I crush-a your head!”
[Head Crusher smiles as Face Pincher drops the phone, screaming, and runs out
of the apartment. The opening music plays.]
FIN
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